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it's inevitability

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People might find it weird, and he, too, thinks it’s perhaps weird (but people find a lot of things weird, shameful, when they’re not, so). It is weird to frame a picture of the place you think it would be the nicest to die at. To frame it and to keep it in your room, to hang in there with it, especially when you are not thinking about doing it anymore. 

Won Seok thought about it. A lot of times. He thought of doing it when he realized he likes boys and he’s not going to ever like a girl like that and he will never be happy, how could he ever be happy like that? He tried to do it when he thought he couldn’t tell his parents, his brothers, he couldn’t, it was too shameful, it would bring them so much pain, how could he do such a thing to them? When he was in that damned hospital hallway dressed in a suit that choked him and Won Jae said they should go and see their father one last time and he couldn’t, how could he?

Won Seok grew, he stitched his wounds when needed, he took care of his family, because that’s all he still has. He kept on going on because Seo Yeon needed him, she was still a child, Seo Joon needed him, he was still a baby, how could he leave them? How could he leave Won Jae to deal with all of this? How could he leave all of them more broken than they already were?

He framed the photo of the Rocky Mountains after the accident. The documentary that was on the TV that day in the hospital, he found it later and he framed a picture from it. It was on TV one day at home too, when he and Won Jae were watching it. And he saw them, the big, snowy mountain peaks and he said “dying at a place like this would not be so bad”. He meant it. How nice it would be to die there, surrounded by silence, all alone, slowly getting covered by snow. Until you can’t hear the wind anymore. Until you can’t feel the cold, your frozen fingers and lips and tearful eyes. To lie and only see the sky, white and kind. To close your eyes and breathe and let the cold air fill your lungs. Until there’s only warmth and darkness surrounding you. 

To die where you want to, how you want to. Not in the bathroom bleeding. Not in a car. Not on a hospital bed. 

He has dreams where he falls to his death. He doesn’t wake up crying and trembling from them anymore.

He gave up happiness, it is not something he can achieve.