I’m in love. I think I’ve been in love with Zon since we first met, the very moment he looked at me pleadingly as if he wanted to say “Please save me from these madmen”. The trio, consisting of Junior, Natee and Tanthai, was well meaning but often relentless in their teasing. And so I came as a balancer, someone who’ll sense when a joke goes too far and channel the chaos energy away from Zon. And he’s always thankful, even though he never says it. But the way he looks at me tells everything. He appreciates me, I know it. He appreciates my existence and the fact that I am always by his side and on his side.
I’m a pathetic person. That dear friend of mine, that cute guy who sweats a lot and whose eyes sparkle, that friend is the reason I happily go to the University every day. He’s the reason I’ve improved my grades. He’s the reason I take care of my skin and try to smell nice every day. He’s the reason I carefully iron my uniform and I make sure my breath is always perfectly fresh. Just in case. He’s also the reason I can’t ever hope to live up to my name. “Zen”. How disappointingly misleading. My appearance might trick you, but the truth is, since I’ve met Zon my soul hasn’t known peace. He’s the reason my nights are restless. He’s the reason I’m going insane.
I’m a pervert. The despicable, covert kind. I could never, like a regular human, wank it to some strangers in porn and be done with it. No. It’s my most cherished friend, my handsome nerdy Zon, he’s the permanent tenant in my fantasies whenever I have an intimate appointment with my right hand.
I’m a creative man. There’s no scenario I haven’t thought of. We’ve made sweet love under the stars and fucked hard in the middle of an apocalypse. He’s been my adorable kitten, and I’ve been his tortured slave whom he’d punish hard for all the unholy thoughts. And I loved every second of it. Of course I felt guilty afterwards, every time, but I did it over and over again anyway. Because my mind is full of Zon, always.
I’m an obsessive weirdo. The love for my friend branches into unexpected directions. Take Zol per example, his younger sister. So many times I've shielded her from Natee’s extravagant flirting attempts. “P’Zen is truly my guardian angel”, she once said. It got me thinking, we would look like a nice couple indeed, and I wouldn’t mind being a devoted and attentive boyfriend for her. Then there’s their dad. I’ve never been into older men, but I’d lie if I said I’d reject a thorough dicking down by him. And finally, their mom. I might be only 20% or so into women, yet I’d let that lady peg the living daylights out of me. Now honestly, who the hell thirsts over a whole family of their crush? A disgusting, deprived person, that’s who. And it gets worse. It appears that my obsession with Zon transcends to people he’s closest with. I figured out I’m a hopeless case the moment I discovered he and Saifah were dating. I thought I’d feel burning jealousy, yet what I felt was burning desire. That damned beanpole of a man. He made me realize Zon was into men - something my cowardly self never even tried to test. I might be many things; I heard people say I’m compassionate, stoic, shy, weird, quiet, kind, helpful… but believe me when I say, above all…
I’m a coward. It’s my defining trait, the one that rules them all. I never act upon my desires. I never indulge myself. I never rebel. I follow the rules written and unwritten. And I had almost made peace with the thought that I’ll most likely die a virgin. But now, the realization that Zon has a boyfriend is messing with my mind. It makes me think forbidden thoughts. Have I ever had an actual chance with him? I swear I was fine simply believing he was straight in real life, and an intrepid lover of mine in my fantasies. But what if… what if… All those times we studied together, his thigh casually touching mine... His hand accidentally brushing over mine… Did he notice me blushing whenever his face got too close? Could he hear my heart beating wildly when he hugged me and put his head on my shoulder? Did he catch me hiding my awkward boner when we were alone in the dressing room? What if I went for the kiss that time he was adjusting my necktie while looking at me tentatively with his big, curious eyes? All I did was stand rooted like a statue and pray he wouldn't notice me getting sweaty and weak in my knees. That night, in the loneliness of my room I fantasized about that very moment. Oh, if only... After adjusting it, if only Zon grabbed me by my necktie and made me kneel. I’d have knelt like the most devoted believer. “I know exactly what you want, Zen”, he’d say with a seductive tone while gently caressing my face. “You dirty coward, unbutton my pants and suck me off”, he’d add in a low authoritative voice, and I’d do it in a heartbeat. I’d take him whole and let him use my mouth and my soul, and I’d swallow it all, I’d be drunk on him forever.
I almost feel unreal. I seem to live only in my fantasies. Often I wonder why do I lack boldness, but then I just dive deep into my psyche and start creating abstract theories. Typical. Unhelpful. Ah… Where was I… Right! Saifah! Zon’s skyscraper boyfriend. Well, guess what? I’m tall too! Not as much, of course, but I am objectively a tall person. And look, I’m aware that my self esteem is nothing to brag about, but I’m pretty sure I’m not an eyesore. Hell, I might be almost as handsome as Saifah. Well… maybe… Who knows… I probably sound jealous now, but I stand by what I said earlier: it’s not jealousy! You see, since the moment I’ve learned they are together, my burning wish is for him to give it all to my Zon… his Zon. To make him happy. To make him scream in pleasure. To make him feel exhilaration and bliss. I notice how he looks at Zon when they talk, fondness and desire seeping through his eyes in equal amounts. In a way, he’s like me: tall and gentle and thirsty. But more brave… infinitely more daring. How I wish I had an ounce of his courage. Saifah… Saifah… His lips look really full and soft. I’ve never seen him kiss Zon, but I could bet he's a hungry beast. I almost wish I could feel it too, Saifah’s lips on mine, his tongue fighting his way in and conquering the inside of my mouth. And just like that, I’d surrender to the man of the man I love. I'm a wicked person. It's a good thing that I am a coward.