"Beomgyu, can we talk?" After days of no communication, no texts, no calls, no everything, the person who practically ghosted Beomgyu is now back. He swallowed the huge lump in his throat, his throat that was suddenly feeling dry depite of downing multiple can of sodas and mineral water.
"Of course." He answered. "How are you—" Beomgyu didn't have the chance to finish his question when the man had already hung up. He slowly set his phone down on the night stand beside their bed.
What happened? That he doesn't have the answer, or perhaps he does, but doesn't want to acknowledge it, Beomgyu doesn't want to accept it. The tears that were threatening to flow at first are now coming out like waterfalls, except for the fact that waterfalls are naturally like that, unlike Beomgyu...
Beomgyu doesn't cry. He rarely cries, or he never cries, He never did. But when it comes to him, when it comes to the person he loves, it's as if he only cries for him, his tears are only for him.
Meet me at the university field. -10:33 pm
Beomgyu clutched his phone against his chest, he tried so hard not to make any sound, careful that his roommate would hear him. He choked, the tears that are endlessly flowing out choked him, he wanted to scream.
He knew that this day would come. "Why now? Why?" He asked himself. He tried so hard to calm himself, to somehow stop the tears. He managed to but his eyes are bloodshot red. He immediately went to the bathroom to prepare and fix himself, he needs to look presentable at least. Within 10 minutes, he arrived, there he saw the football team just finishing their training, he knew some of them like Hyuka, Taehyung, Seokjin, Hoseok, and even his older brother, Soobin.
"Ya, Beomgyu! Why are you here?" Soobin went to him as soon as he saw his older brother. "What happened to you?" Soobin stepped closer to scan Beomgyu's face, the older immediately noticed how his younger brother's eyes were swollen, as if he'd just cried. "Did you cry?" The latter asked.
"No! I have an eye infection, sore eyes. I just need to talk to someone, is he here?" Soobin noticed again how his brother's voice was hoarse, He didn't want to ask further, already knowing who his brother was pertaining to.
"He's there." Soobin replied, he gently squeezed his brother's shoulder. Beomgyu smiled, he tried so hard to smile and not let his brother know what was happening, what was bound to happen. Soobin immediately understood what was happening. "Go back to your dorm, don't go out, it's late. Good Night Gyu." He held his squeezed his Beomgyu's shoulder, Beomgyu nodded and then he walked towards the field. He was scanning the football field when a figure that is too familiar emerged from behind the bleachers. He is far, but he knows, their eyes met.
He slowly walked towards the bleachers, towards him. He suddenly felt like puking, his knees are buckling,he doesn't have the strength to do this, but he needs to.
"Hi." He greeted the man before him. The man looks ethereal, the eyes, the cheeks, his pointy nose, and his pouty lips, everything about the man is perfect, in the eyes of Beomgyu.
“Hi.” Taehyun answered. He sat on one of the bleachers, he motioned Beomgyu to do the same, so he sat beside Taehyun, but he didn't utter a word, he’s waiting for Taehyun to break the ice.
“Yeonjun’s back.” After minutes of total silence, Taehyun finally spoke. Beomgyu expected this, he sure knows this is all because of him, because of them. He clenched his fists, trying so hard to calm himself, trying not to burst. He could feel Taehyun’s eyes, his apologetic eyes boring on him. “For good. He’ll stay here now.” He added. Beomgyu was just staring out of nowhere. He could hear Taehyun but suddenly he didn't understand what he’s saying, only he could hear the sound of his voice.
“It’s unfair.” Beomgyu muttered, but Taehyun heard it. “So, so unfair…"
“Why? Why does he get you anytime that he wants? He will leave you if he wants to, and will get you if he wants you again, why? Taehyun, why is it so unfair?” Beomgyu finally faced Taehyun, he looked straight into his eyes but Taehyun broke the contact, facing the ground beneath them.
“Because I belong to him.” Taehyun answered, “I originally belong to him.” Beomgyu could hear how his heart shattered into million when Taehyun said those words.
“What am I to you, Taehyun? All those months, years? Just what the fuck am I to you Taehyun?!” Beomgyu slightly raised his voice, causing Taehyun to flinch. “I’m sorry…” he reached out for the man beside him.
“Don’t. It’s fine.” Taehyun held his hand. “I should be the one apologizing. I’m sorry.” Beomgyu remained silent.
“It was wrong for me to use you, to take advantage of your feelings towards me. Yeonjun left me because his parents didn’t support our relationship, his sexuality, you know how I love him, I wanted to fight for him, but he said that it was better for us to part.” Taehyun explained, Beomgyu already knows this, but still the pain that the story gives him never ceases. “When he left me, I thought I’d hitted the rock bottom of my life. He’s my inspiration to move forward, to get up every morning, to stay happy. Believe me Beomgyu, I tried, I really tried. Of all people, I know you’re the only person who’s capable of loving someone like me, but I don’t know. I must be a fool, you’re the ‘here’ and ‘now’, but I was and still am stuck to the ‘then’ and ‘past’. I still love Yeonjun, I never stopped loving him. I don’t deserve someone like you, Beomgyu. You don’t deserve someone like me.” Taehyun added, he held Beomgyu’s hand tightly. Beomgyu is now crying, it’s the first time he cried in front of someone, in front of Taehyun, the cause of his happiness and smiles, ironically, also the cause of his tears and heartache.
“That doesn’t matter. You know me Taehyun, just give us a chance, you don’t deserve that, you know.” Beomgyu pleaded, Taehyun just shook his head, muttering ‘No’s. “You don’t understand Hyun, I am this kind of person, I am willing to give it all.” Beomgyu held the latter’s hand, trying to intertwine their fingers but Taehyun stopped him.
“Listen, Beomgyu.” Taehyun breathed, placing his other hand above Beomgyu’s. “You deserve someone who will also love you, who will reciprocate all your feelings and efforts, who will give the same energy like yours, and Beomgyu, that person isn’t me, it will never be me.” He further explained. “It hurts to see you hurting, Gyu. I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. I love you, but not the way as you see it. You’re important to me.” Taehyun reached for his gym bag. He held Beomgyu’s hands for the last time and then he got up and walked away.
Beomgyu cried, cried so hard when Taehyun let go of his hands, he turned to the direction where Taehyun went, and as he watched the love of his life’s retreating back, slowly disappearing from his sight, he then lost it. He finally had the strength to shout, to scream, to release all the pain away.
“You didn’t give us a chance!” He muttered, he pulled his hair as his tears were flowing non-stop. If anyone could hear and see him now, they would probably think he’s insane, that he’d gone mad.
“Why didn’t you tell me earlier? Why? Why didn’t you just straight up tell me that you can’t love me? Why did you lead me into something that was never bound to happen?” He choked from his tears.
All those times when Beomgyu was there for Taehyun, when Taehyun needed him, Taehyun needed him, needed someone that time, but it doesn’t mean that he loves him. Those nights when Beomgyu hugged Taehyun, be it during their movie nights or dates, Beomgyu was just there, physically but in Taehyun’s mind it was Yeonjun who he was hugging, who was giving him warmth and comfort. Taehyun’s heart was, and is still clouded with one person, his heart belonged to one person all along.
“I loved you first, I loved you since, Why did you choose him, Why is it always him? Why him, When I was the person who’s been here beside you ever since?” He whispered to the night air, hoping that it will somehow ease all the pain he was feeling that moment, that very moment Taehyun decided to end them, the possibility of them.
But Beomgyu prioritizes Taehyun’s happiness, he wants him to be happy, even if it meant they will not be together, He wants Taehyun to be happy, sincerely happy, and if that person i, and will be the main reason Taehyun will happy, who is he to stop Taehyun? Right? In fact Beomgyu is just Taehyun’s friend, best buddy, almost lover, at best.
“Please don’t hurt him anymore…” Beomgyu spoke, “I’ll let him go.”